I don’t expect anyone to understand.

But support is more than just providing a bailout, or your infinite wisdom and sagely advice… it’s about having the courage to drop your own values and encourage the crazy, even if deep down you might doubt it. Don’t let them hear that doubt… Their crazy is what’s going to change the world. You don’t realize how powerful the removal of all doubt can be in that. So let them know that they have got this. They’re crazy. But you believe in them.

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Until you’ve been there, it’s not something you can fake the “I understand” bullshit sympathy symphony.

You don’t. And that’s okay.

Sometimes you just get cold, confused people and their reactions.

Putting yourself in their shoes won’t always help either. If they don’t have the same level of empathy, care and compassion as you – you’re about to be destroyed. Emotionally. But that’s okay cause a real man doesn’t show emotions.

That’s all this is though, right? Just me not able to handle my emotions. I’m not a real man. You know the drill.

Oh what the difference “I think I’ve got the flu…” would have made…

Thanks for hearing me out. This right here goes to show the power of just listening without judgement or expectation.

For those of you who are battling mental illness, reach out. In Calgary and area, 811 will get you on with health link, and they’ll take care of you. Otherwise, go see your doctor and stay sweet.

Paaayce!

M

I️ get it now.

I️ actually caught myself, first thing today – “I hate this job.”

Woah. Okay, what?

It’s not the job. Well, kinda. I️ mean, I’m still super grateful for having friends that can help me out in dire times, but the lesson has been learned.

“You’re so much more than a shovel.”

That’s what Steve told me when I reached out for help and support today when I️ was really hurting. There’s been few people in my life over the years that can pick me up with elegance but also get me to respond and make the appropriate change. Thank you, Steve. And everyone else I was in touch with today.

I stopped my job, emailed cardiology; my nurse and counsellor from when I was down after skating had to stop, and realized this time it was all about me.

My body was not going to do it today. Chest tightness, palpitations, you name it. My heart was not happy. Which is super concerning for those that know me. Overall, an uneasy fear described my morning. Like I said, “I hate this job”. Well, my body listened today.

It’s such a battle. Some days are totally fine. I’m 10/10 happy, jumping around being silly, then days like this make me want to quit everything and just lay in my bed.

I had a super haunting nightmare last night. I was back at the old house, Sarah answered the door. I was going back to just apologize, but it was mid day, so I️ don’t know why I thought I would see them all at Tuscany. Anyway, I don’t remember much but sitting around the kitchen table by myself, waiting.

There was an eerie feeling, hence the nightmare. I actually thought he was going to come home to kill me. A lot of people don’t know this, but on one of my first days at World Health Curtis attacked me with a belt, broke skin through my gym shorts across the side of my leg. I still have a scar. It would have been fitting for our first and last engagement to be so violent. Fucking psychopath.

I think the dream set my intent on the day.

I was not going to succumb to imminent death. I was glad to have woken up. So glad.

And from the nightmare of lack of control today and doing things that rob me of my soul, take my power and I’m committed to no longer allow for that.

Thank you Flo. As always, thanks for listening.

Reach out if you’re feeling like you’re in a dark place. There’s a ton of support and free counsel. Call health link, 811 for more info or just talk to your doctor. I gotta run to my appointment right now, so PEACE!M

On Stillness:

Do you ever just sit down and tune out?

This has been fairly effective way for me to prioritize my thoughts and I had an awesome experience last night as I was packing things up from my parents farm out just east of the city.

The cold air made for a deafening silence and I only really heard the crunching under my feet. I was filled with love from having just played with my niece and nephew for three hours, totally surprise style visit as my ma and pa didn’t tell me Sean and the fam would be there… intentionally surprising me I’m sure, knowing how rough of a last couple weeks I have had and what seeing the kiddos would do to my heart.

Those two kids just have a way of warming up the room, but it was the reflection piece of that that got me the most this time. Playing with those kids, not being glued to my phone, all the work I could be doing, the news, the Instagram likes and Facebook news – none of that distraction… that was the stillness I needed.

On Productivity:

I’ve been up since 7am working away on a few different projects. Get up, stretch it out, train some clients, eat some food, have some meetings and get back at it. One of these projects I’m particularly proud of is something I had been sitting on since the fall, before MusicFit. Of course, another entrepreneurial expansion of my trades, Monkey Tree Marketing. It’s my Personality Marketing venture – Head here to find out what that’s all about.

And check out this video below to get an understanding of how I came up with the name, the brand and my experience from the ashes of some of the worst depression I have had since 2013. Enjoy. These guys are pivotal in my life, both musically but more importantly on a social construct kinda way…

Hug those you love, do good and be well.

Thanks for listening,

Again.

Today was a lot better. It’s a constant battle however, to delay the emotional suffering until you are in a safe place. You fight through. You kick. You almost have to wear it on your back instead of power it through your feet.

But that’s only sustainable for short amounts of time. The healing needs to take place and Flo says it best, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.”

Keep chipping away and things will turn up. Keep chipping away and do things day by day. They will be better. It’s just around the corner, I promise. When it rains it pours, and things are going to get real good, real soon. Just chip away.

I’ll wear the Albatross for one more day.

 

I’m participating in Movember to help support men in the music industry that battle the depression, anxiety and mental illnesses like I have – feel free to check out our team page here – https://mobro.co/coachschwartzy?mc=1

Thanks for listening,

Ciao

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For some reason Florence + The Machine’s “Shake It Out” popped into my head and I was carefully cycling home tonight from work. I mean, yeah – I’m a little crazy for biking in -20. But today it’s out of necessity. And cycling is fucking therapeutic. Movement and motion is fucking therapy. I mean, I would have done it anyway if I did have gas in the Tiguan, but today wasn’t by choice because it was a nice day for a ride.

The line “It’s always darkest before the dawn” really echoes with me today.

I had $3 in change to pay for groceries today, thankfully I had $20 to redeem but I had to get crafty to hit just over $20 to be able to use that reward. $23.74. Thank God.

That’s how close to poverty I am right now. I just spent the weekend riddled with another bought of depression, triggered by memories of certain places within Calgary I hadn’t been to since my time with my now ex-wife, and former friends and family of mine. It was very abrupt. It was very cruel. And depression doesn’t give two shits if you’re ready to deal with it or not, it comes in waves. I truly felt like I was drowning.

However, the bike ride taught me a few things.

No matter how slow the go is, you just focus on one pedal stroke at a time and you’ll get there. Don’t focus on the result, focus on the process.

Being physically fit to ride across the city at any given time in any given season is fucking rad. I’m grateful for my physical ability and health.

Also, much like overcoming the darkness of mental health, even the most seemingly insignificant victories go a long, long way to the betterment of ones psyche. And you need to close down those past traumas and reinvent yourself.

So while to some the thought of biking home in the cold, dark winter of Calgary in November is just silly… to me it means a lot more.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Thanks for listening. If you feel compelled, please consider helping to bring awareness to mens mental health issues in the music industry. I’m very proud to be a part of Mo Music. I’m fundraising for Movember and representing the men in the local music industry. Depression is a fickle bitch, anxiety is running rampant and the stats on men committing suicide are ridiculous. Help keep our music industry men healthy and let them get treatment and have the resources to stay away from the darkness.

After my bought last week I remember all too well how cold that darkness is. -20 on a bike in the dark at 9pm in Calgary has nothing on the deep freeze anxiety and depression has put on me. But I am working on that. I want others to know that they’re not alone.

Please support me and my homies of Mo Music here ———> https://mobro.co/coachschwartzy?mc=1

Every single dollar helps.

Thanks for listening,

 

 

*BONUS BLOG*

I felt that I had to write. I was compelled. So yours truly is putting e-pen to e-paper to get this off my mind. It’s been a heavy day…

Long story short, if you’re doing something that you’re not 100% FUCK YA about, you should reconsider why you’re doing it.

When I think of things that people subject themselves to in regards to sacrificing their own identity or integrity, immediately I think of money, time and relationships.

We tend to spend too much time on money and relationships. Think about it…

Is this you?

I won’t touch the relationships, well, actually I guess I will… since all three flow into one another. I’m pretty dead set on getting myself more financially comfortable. What that means though, I’m not entirely sure. However, amidst this “new Mike” working for the buck, long hours, hard work attitude, I feel as though I traded in my soul for a couple days. Definitely a temporary thing.

And thats just it. I’m of the camp to endure temporary pain. I am right now in a few areas; not seeing my dog all day, working 14 hours straight of hard, physica labour, bouncing in and out of very dark places with past depression episodes haunting me again, not focusing much energy on the MusicFit project, not even getting to the gym. These things all crush my soul. But they say your reaction to any given situation will influence that situation entirely, and by they, I mean me. I say that. And I need to take my own advice.

So I treat this as information. I know that my well-being, my dog, relationships, balance between working and the rest of life and being around people are key to my happiness and fulfilment. Not success.

There is a slight difference – I learned through these last couple days that my own success will only happen when I have a sense of fulfillment and full fledged happiness towards what I am doing.

I bet some people are okay with the hustle.

But is this why people are super fuckin’ depressed?