Why Some Are Driven To Drink, Drugs or Worse.

I️ get it now.

I️ actually caught myself, first thing today – “I hate this job.”

Woah. Okay, what?

It’s not the job. Well, kinda. I️ mean, I’m still super grateful for having friends that can help me out in dire times, but the lesson has been learned.

“You’re so much more than a shovel.”

That’s what Steve told me when I reached out for help and support today when I️ was really hurting. There’s been few people in my life over the years that can pick me up with elegance but also get me to respond and make the appropriate change. Thank you, Steve. And everyone else I was in touch with today.

I stopped my job, emailed cardiology; my nurse and counsellor from when I was down after skating had to stop, and realized this time it was all about me.

My body was not going to do it today. Chest tightness, palpitations, you name it. My heart was not happy. Which is super concerning for those that know me. Overall, an uneasy fear described my morning. Like I said, “I hate this job”. Well, my body listened today.

It’s such a battle. Some days are totally fine. I’m 10/10 happy, jumping around being silly, then days like this make me want to quit everything and just lay in my bed.

I had a super haunting nightmare last night. I was back at the old house, Sarah answered the door. I was going back to just apologize, but it was mid day, so I️ don’t know why I thought I would see them all at Tuscany. Anyway, I don’t remember much but sitting around the kitchen table by myself, waiting.

There was an eerie feeling, hence the nightmare. I actually thought he was going to come home to kill me. A lot of people don’t know this, but on one of my first days at World Health Curtis attacked me with a belt, broke skin through my gym shorts across the side of my leg. I still have a scar. It would have been fitting for our first and last engagement to be so violent. Fucking psychopath.

I think the dream set my intent on the day.

I was not going to succumb to imminent death. I was glad to have woken up. So glad.

And from the nightmare of lack of control today and doing things that rob me of my soul, take my power and I’m committed to no longer allow for that.

Thank you Flo. As always, thanks for listening.

Reach out if you’re feeling like you’re in a dark place. There’s a ton of support and free counsel. Call health link, 811 for more info or just talk to your doctor. I gotta run to my appointment right now, so PEACE!M

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