I thought my heart was hurtin’, but broken?

I would love another chest MRI tomorrow. Maybe the imaging would pick this mess up and explain the mystery of my last 8 hours. I feel like I’m about to wake up from this nightmare. Adversity. Character. It’s times like these you learn to live again.

This is not a pity party. Nor is it an excuse to hang the blades up. Do I feel used? Do I feel abandoned? Yeah, absolutely. But I am in charge of nothing more than my reaction to every given situation I’m faced with. It’s all fresh. I have went from absolute terror, to hysterics, to chills, to empty, faceless overwhelming pain. I have never been hurt like this before and I am so goddamn lucky to have my family and true friends to help pick me up. Thank you Mom, Dad, Natalie Sean, and Joel.
This will be the biggest challenge yet. Never mind 2018. That’s tangible. You can’t touch or feel this kind of emptiness. This kind of loss when you are walked out on, literally moments after you spent hours picking up others’ spirits, raving about your affection and mutual love and respect is totally incomprehensible.
I can bury myself in self hate and regret and focus on what I did or didn’t do or I can remember why Rafiki is on my calf. This is not the first time I’ve had the wool over my eyes. I will rise up. I will be. Me.

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